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Author Topic: This is the joke and funny stuff thread  (Read 248715 times)

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Offline jack_attack

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This is the joke and funny stuff thread
« on: Fri 5 Feb 08:26 2010 »
Instead of having the funny stuff and jokes ll over the place, how about we keep them all together to make killing a few more hours on here easy. I'll kick it off with this one.

Enjoy.

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« Last Edit: Fri 11 Nov 20:03 2011 by jack_attack »
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    Offline jack_attack

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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #1 on: Fri 5 Feb 08:31 2010 »

       
    A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift

    She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

    The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

    She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

    He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00".

    The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

    He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

    The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

    She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

    "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
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    Offline jack_attack

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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #2 on: Fri 5 Feb 08:32 2010 »
    An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his favourite flies out of their box

    Strangly though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work.

    The weather forcast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon.

    The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it.

    With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.

    Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson."

    God replied "I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?"
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    Offline jack_attack

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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #3 on: Fri 5 Feb 08:35 2010 »

       
    A priest was strolling around the rocks at Indian Head when he came upon two locals pulling the captain of the NSW state of origin team ashore on the end of a rope.

    "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man."

    As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
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    One for the musicaly minded
    « Reply #4 on: Fri 5 Feb 09:23 2010 »
    A drummer walks into a pawnbrokers store and asks the attendant.
    "Hey mate how much for the saxophone and the piano accordion'?

    The attendant looks up from his news paper and replies.
    "Well mate, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay"  ;)
    « Last Edit: Fri 9 Jul 15:37 2010 by Krusty Skimmer »

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    Offline Tommyboy

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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #5 on: Fri 5 Feb 20:51 2010 »
    sorry for the pictures guys, honestly didnt realise u guys would get so offended by some pictures infact i thought ud find them funny. oh well. just wanted to say im sorry.

    cheers.

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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #6 on: Sat 6 Feb 00:25 2010 »
    Sean had been fishing in the River Fane and hadn't caught a thing all Day. As he was walking home, his pole over his shoulder something caught his eye as he walked under an old stone bridge.

    A wee little fella was sitting on a stone and had a big bag, full of fish. Sean threw down his gear and Shouted, pointing at the little man.

    "Ryte, i found ya ya little Leprechaun devil, now ya gotta gimmie ya pot o gold"

    The wee man sighed and replied, "Oh ya did, ya did find me , whats ya name man?"

    "Me names Sean, Sean O'sullivan, now wheres me gold?" he replied almost wetting himself with excitement.

    "Rytoe, Sean O'sullivan, but before I do, I want you to do me a favour"

    "and what would that be ?" inquired Sean.

    "I want ya to clean me fish for me, I'm an old man now and it would lift a great burden. Would ya?" Said the little bloke.

    "I will" said Sean and he set to work on the large catch.
    After an hour, the fish had been cleaned and Sean covered in gut and blood again asked for his gold.

    "Well, what a lovely job ya done. Will ya answer me one more question" Began wee man.

    'I will" said Sean impatiently.

    "Well then, how old do ya be"

    "I'm 32 this month past" reaplied Sean.

    The little fella picked up his bag of fish and looking up at Sean said,

    "Don't ya think your a little old to be believing in Leprechauns  ?"


     


    (Slightly edited to protect the innocent  ;) )





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    Offline jack_attack

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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #7 on: Sat 6 Feb 15:34 2010 »
    What do fish and women have in common?

    They both stop shaking their tail after you catch them !

    ___________________________________________________

    Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, "I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!"

    "That bad, huh"

    "She did everything wrong! I mean everything! She talked too much, she made the boat rock constantly, she tried to stand up in the boat, she baited the hook wrong, she used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!"
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    lowey

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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #8 on: Sun 7 Feb 08:38 2010 »
    Little Johnny gets to school and tells his teacher that he seen a dead cat this morning. Teacher asked how did you know it was dead. Johnny says I pi**ed in its ear. Theacher says you did WHAT. Johnny says you know I Psssst in its ear and it didn't move. Bruce

    lowey

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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #9 on: Sun 7 Feb 12:36 2010 »
    Two old guys were chatting over the back fence
    One says "I just bought a state of the art hearing aid,it cost me $3000.
    Neighbour asks " What kind is it?"
    Reply " Twelve thirty..."

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    Offline whynott

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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #10 on: Sun 7 Feb 15:22 2010 »
    Paddy and Colin, 2 Irishmen, were walking along the street towards the outskirts of their town in Ireland.
    They noticed 2 of their friends, Sean and Brian, walking towards them from the direction of the river and they each had a large salmon under their arms.
    Paddy says to the fishermen "Well now, look at that. Where'd ye get the fish from?"
    Sean says " The river's full of 'em at this toim of the year Paddy. They're moigratin upstream to spawn. Arl ya got te do is hang over the bridge and grab 'em as they come past."
    So, off Paddy and Colin go to catch a salmon.
    Colin grabed Paddy by the legs and hung him over the bridge. He hung there for ages, then suddenly he started to squirm and yelled out "PULL ME UP COLIN, PULL ME UP!!"
    Colin excitedly says "Have ye got a fish Paddy, have ye got a fish??"
    "NO.... THERE'S A BLOODY TRAIN COMIN'!!!"


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    lowey

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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #11 on: Mon 8 Feb 16:26 2010 »
    Little Johnny from USA.

    Kindergarten teacher asking children what sound different animals make and it came around to "what sound does a pig make"




















    Little Johnny quick as a flash" FREEZE MOTHER******"

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    Offline whynott

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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #12 on: Wed 10 Feb 05:54 2010 »
    Q; why was the blond staring at the fruit juice bottle?

    A; it said concentrate

     ;D ;D ;D
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    Offline whynott

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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #13 on: Wed 10 Feb 06:00 2010 »
    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."


    The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


    The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up from her knitting she says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."


    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"


    She smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."


    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"


    The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."


    "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket," the driver responds.


    His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."


    And, as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"


    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


    "Only when he's been drinking, officer."
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    Re: This is the joke and funny stuff thread
    « Reply #14 on: Wed 10 Feb 09:06 2010 »
    Good one G. Still chuckling  ;D

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    anything